Alpine Andy's Wilderness Potty Rating System

It may be an outhouse, or a pit toilet, or a porta-potty, or a privvy, or a honey bucket, or merely a glorified hole in the ground.  As we all know, one of the joys(?) of venturing out beyond the world of flush toilets is the chance to use these marvels of low-tech plumbing (or would that be NO-tech plumbing).

But not all backwoods bathrooms are created equal.  Now, to help you gauge the quality of your primitive waste elimination experience, I present the following 5-star scale.

* * *  - a  3-star facility :  This is your standard outhouse.   It's not spotless, it's not odorless, it's not glamorous, but everything is intact, the door shuts, and there is TP.

* * * * - a  4-star facility : This is a very good loo.  A well-maintained porta-potty is in this category.  A fairly new or exceptionally clean pit toilet can also reach this level.  The TP is well stocked, the smell is virtually absent, and your overall restroom experience is reasonably pleasant.

* * * * * - 5-STARS :  Everything that a 4-star has, AND there's a (drumroll please) Hand Sanitizer Dispenser (and it's not empty)!

* *  - a  2-star facility :  Hold your breath and don't touch anything, but if you can't hold it for very long, you will use this one.  TP is unlikely, the vandals may have been there, and the litterbugs have definitely been there.   However, most men don't mind using these a bit.

*  - a  1-star facility (although "facility" may be too kind a word)  :   Almost full.  Some people missed.  If there's TP, it's waterlogged.   Sometimes no door, sometimes no walls either.  You will smell it long before you reach it.  If you can't hold it for very long, you will use the woods behind this facility.   Most men will use this, but will come out saying, "Whew, that was ripe."

( 0 )   a  0-star facility :  Has all the amenities(?) of a 1-star facility, with the added drama that the seat may or may not collapse during delivery.

Here's to enjoying your next flushless restroom experience...